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For Men Only: 7 Ways to Impress a Worthy Woman
By
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)
Gals may be uncertain about what they want from guys, but there are some behaviors to which they always respond!
Courtesy of Match.coms Happen Magazine ?
http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396
Some years ago, women made The Rules their Bible. It was a guidebook on how to manipulate men into marriage. Men felt duped, confused and used and the con game set male-female relationships back. Today men are still perplexed about how to relate to women, and women are similarly confused when it comes to dealing with men.
In her song Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? Paula Cole laments, Where is my John Wayne? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone? Most women fantasize about having an alpha dude for protection, shelter and guidance. But theres a drawback. In their attempt to provide the virility they think women want, tough guys have shelved their sensitivity and have lost part of what it means to be alive.
This nonspoken agreement is ironic: After she snags her tough guy, the woman who thought she wanted Rambo decides hes really Dumbo too distant and unwieldy to love. So she replaces Marlboro Man with Marshmallow Man, whom she believes it is her mission to mold. See, somewhere in her upbringing, she deduced that shes the Relationship Police, and no man is complete until she fixes him. Unfortunately, her new and improved model soon loses his appeal because this guy has become a backbone-challenged jellyfish without spine or spurs. Now the woman complains hes too soft! What a relationship mess!
Whos fooling whom? Hollywood cowboys on camera are as fictitious as Cinderella and that monarch with the shoe fetish. Although my book title warns women, Dont Bet on the Prince! my message hits too many hollow earrings. Women insist they need a gaucho to rescue them (from what, even they dont know!), and men unwittingly play into this fractured feminine assumption. Thats because men want to feel needed. (Of course, this proves that, despite what women think, men truly do want love and are often willing to twist themselves into pretzels to get it.) In the end, nobody ends up with what he/she thought he/she wanted, and both genders feel angry and alone. Yet sadly, they continue their feckless efforts to pursue new partners in the same vein. Nothing changes. As my Gilda-Gram advises, What you struggle to get, you struggle to keep. And subterfuge is an impossible base for lasting love.
But, ahhh, things may have begun to move onto healthier terrain. Tony Soprano started it by committing to therapy. Now some alpha men have been embracing their taskmaster toughness, while also acknowledging their compassion. For the first time, half the subscribers to my Instant Advice service on my site are now men. They are honest, real and raw, unabashedly displaying relationship pain, yet craving answers on how to make their love lives work.
So heres the skinny from a female relationship expert. Gals may be uncertain about what they want from you guys, but there are some behaviors to which they always respond. Try these on for size and see if your Relate-ability Quotient doesnt rise (no pun intended!).
7 Rules for Relating to Women
Rule 1: You may not understand women (and many women admit they dont understand themselves), but you can ask questions about a womans life and dole out honest compliments.
OUTCOME: Womens egos are massaged when they feel noticed and desired. This is separate from trying to seduce them.
Rule 2: Women want supportive love. If your woman doesnt know how to give it, show her by example.
OUTCOME: Your behavior, not your words, is a womans greatest teacher on how to return the love YOU want. Inconvenience yourself unconditionally, and deliver niceties that are totally unexpected.
Rule 3: Share your feelings and your fears with your special lady. As my Gilda-Gram says, Self-disclosure is symmetrical.
OUTCOME: Little by little, open up about your preferences and your goals. As you become more vulnerable, so will your honey. Openness and vulnerability bond a couple. (Note: this does not mean you should whine and complain in victim mode; just share your honest feelings.)
Rule 4: Pursue activities that inspire you, whether or not she enjoys them.
OUTCOME: Your expressions of delight and joy become contagious. Your woman will want to share your optimism. She may choose to join you in hobbies she originally rejected, or she may just bask in your enthusiasm when you return to her after enjoying yourself.
Rule 5: The less confused you are in understanding your woman, the less manipulated you will be by her.
OUTCOME: A mans confusion makes a woman read him as weak, malleable and ripe for fixing. Demonstrate respect for your womans perspective, but remain committed to your own. Shell show a new admiration and respect for you.
Rule 6: Dont let a woman try to change anything about you with which you are content unless youre into dangerous or unhealthy acts. Display your strength by projecting who you are and let her know youre happy as you are.
OUTCOME: When you trumpet your persona, your woman will avoid her urge to renovate. Shell also get turned on! (It follows the tenets of adolescent psychology, in which kids may lobby their parents for more freedom, but their parents saying no is interpreted as love. Go figure!)
Rule 7: Communicate your expectations for support, respect and friendship. These must be your standards and your boundaries.
OUTCOME: When you unwaveringly sustain your parameters, you announce your alpha strength. Ladies crave men who are persevering and resolute. They interpret these traits as sexy.
The 1991 movie City Slickers depicted some big-city guys with midlife crises. To seek answers, they spent two weeks renewing themselves as cowboys out West. Through physical feats they never took on in the concrete jungle, the men discovered that strength-building does not negate sensitivity. In fact, they learned their masculinity was emboldened by their tenderness.
Honor your alpha, but maintain your truth. Steadfast, chivalrous men are very attractive because a self-accepting guy knows he loses nothing by also being vulnerable. Plenty of women seek compassionate cowboys with spines AND spurs AND souls. Most of these men dwell far from home on the range!
Author's Bio:
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) http://www.DrGilda.com is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She has a private practice, and is Match.coms Ask Dr. Gilda advice columnist published on MSN.com. Also, she is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, and the author of "Don't Bet on the Prince!" (a test question on "Jeopardy!"), (http://www.drgilda.com/products.php?p=books), 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit her website and let her hear from you!
